Auntie 6/12/1913 - 6/28/2010

I don't understand why I am still here.  Thought my blood pressure would have killed me years ago.  That sound of blood rushing in my ears?  The doctor said it wasn't anything to worry about.  I thought I was going to have a stroke every time I heard it.  He was right, nothing ever happened.

My memory isn't what it used to be.  At first, I couldn't recall names.  I would get to the grocery store.  If I didn't have a list, I was in trouble.  Then, I forgot that I had a list.  Made sense to buy orange juice and milk, since that seemed to be what I always needed.  After a few weeks, my refrigerator was full of orange juice and milk containers.  I knew I wouldn't run out, so I left them.  I suppose now, I would have to sheepishly admit that you have to remember they are there in order to throw them out.

Memory is like long tentacles that reach out through my thoughts.  I can grab this or that from my past and present as I need.  One day, some of the tentacles seem shorter.  I can't quite find a word, or a name.  Later, it comes to me.  My doctor said this is nothing unexpected at my age. 

The tentacles shorten slowly and steadily.  I know those parts of me are still there, those memories, those facts, but I can't find them.  More and more disappear.  I'm worried.  Where is my checkbook?  I have to pay my bills!  I call my niece, who tells me she has the checkbook and is paying the bills. 

But then, I call her again the next day.  She tells me she has the checkbook.  Didn't she tell me that yesterday?  I think so.  I can't remember completely, but I think so.

Seems to take awhile, but the tentacles are gone.  All I have is the big octopus body sitting in the middle of my head.  I can remember some things and I don't know how I do that.  Some things are automatic.  Eating isn't a problem.  The woman who hands me yarn and needles seems to like what I knit.  I had forgotten I could knit.  I just don't think about it, and there it is.  Most days, I can't remember having cast on.  I'm sure I've picked up someone else's knitting, but no one seems to be complaining.  I'll just keep knitting.

I have some pain in my stomach.  The nurse tells me I'll be taken in an ambulance to the hospital to see what is causing the pain.  I hope it's nothing serious.  I've had a good life.  I'm ancient.  I think I'm 92.  Maybe I'm 95.  No matter. 

I hope they give me dinner tonight at the hospital.

Comments

[margene]

May your Auntie be at peace. May you find peace in her passing.

[susan]

So sorry to hear this, Laurie.

[Anne]

You already know my thoughts - and have my deepest sympathy. She seemed a grand gal!

[Ruth]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Laurie. I'm thinking of you ....

[Kathryn]

I'm so sorry, Laurie. Many hugs. From all you've told me, you and your aunt had something special.

[Carole]

I'm sorry. This is a wonderful post, for what it's worth.

[gaby]

a sad farewell to the famous auntie ... I am thinking of you .

[Marcia]

So sorry, Laurie. I went through that recently as you know..I was closer to my only auntie than to my mother and it still hurts.

[DebbieB]

Rest in peace, Auntie. I hope you find solace in your memories, Laurie.

[Suzanne]

I'm so sorry Laurie. Aunties are very special women.

[Manise]

What a beautiful post Laurie and a wonderful photo. Auntie was a gem and very well loved by you. May she rest in peace smiling and playing with cats above. I am so sorry for your loss.

[Luise]

My condolences to you and thanks for a moving post. I hope only that my nieces and nephews are as devoted to me as I age as you were to your beloved aunt.

[Vicki]

I just lost my grandma this month -- she was six years older than your aunt! I'm sorry for your loss.

[Vicki]

... months... six months. Peace.

[TeresaC]

What a beautiful tribute and photo, you look like her. I love the video that you posted, the one with your Auntie knitting. That muscle memory stayed and comforted her in some way. Rest in the comfort of knowing she had people that loved and cared for her to the end. Be well.

[Angie]

Auntie sounds like a lovely aunt to know and love. I am sorry for your loss.

[Amy]

So sorry for your loss. Thanks for the lovely tribute.

[--Deb]

Bless you. This was absolutely beautiful.

[janine]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Caroline M]

I am sorry for your loss and for her losses too over the years.

[sarah]

Ah, Laurie. You write so beautifully, drawing such a poignant picture. I don't know what to say, other than I'm sorry for your loss.

[Paula]

Virtual hugs, Laurie. Big, big, virtual hugs.

[Geri]

Beautifully written! You capture so perfectly slow loss of memories an inch at a time. My condolences to you.

[Kim]

Beautiful post Laurie! I am sorry for your loss....she sounds like she was a wonderful woman. Many hugs!!

[Judy]

Thank you for sharing her with us all these years. I know that you'll keep her memory alive with your thoughts and stories. Keep us with you.
You are in my thoughts.

[Cheryl S.]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

[Diane]

I can hear your Auntie saying these things, it sounds like my mother in her later years. I'm very sorry for your loss; I hope Auntie is at peace.

[Jan]

What a beautiful post! What a nice way to send your Auntie to heaven.

[pattie]

sorry for your loss, but grateful you shared such a moving letter 'from' her.
thank you.

[marylou]

Having lost my favorite aunt this past year with dementia, I really feel this. What a beautiful post. Thank you.

[Sylvia]

I was just thinking about your aunt yesterday.

Wishing peace to both her spirit and yours.

Btw, vicodin does that to my brain. Some of the links return, most don't. It's turned me into wormwood. Pain is better. I am grateful to have the choice, for now anyway.

[gayle]

Hugs, dear soul. Hugs. I wish I could say what my heart feels, but words fail me.

[Hillary]

I'm very sorry for your loss. Words always seem to fail me at times like this but know that I wish you and yours peace.

[June]

You were a good niece. Blessings to your family.

[Danielle]

I'm sorry for your loss, Laurie. You two were lucky to have had each other.

[Teyani]

oh Laurie. So sorry for this loss. I am so glad that you got that video of her knitting - She has been a treasure in your life.
May your heart find some rest as you hold her close while you knit.

[Charlene]

That was lovely. To have a niece who, in her remembering of you, makes strangers cry is about as much as anyone could ask for.

[Marcy/Habetrot]

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your post has made me weep for all those we love and lose.

[claudia]

That was a seriously awesome post. Seriously. Awesome.

[PumpkinMama]

Hugs to you. So sorry for your loss.

[Cathy]

Hugs - so hard to let them go.

[Lorrie]

So sorry to hear about Auntie.

[Beverly]

Beautiful tribute. It made me think about my grandmother. May the memories you share comfort you.

[Maggie]

Your post has stayed with me since I first read it. In some strange way it comforts me as I care for my 90 year old mother and her own struggles with the loss of her tenticles. May you find peace as you let your aunt go.

[Peg in Kensington, California]

Laurie, Catching up and I just read this post. What a lovely remembrance of your auntie. We have radar hugs in my family and I am sending you a few >( {{{{{{{